{"id":950,"date":"2011-02-23T16:36:59","date_gmt":"2011-02-23T16:36:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/?p=950"},"modified":"2014-06-24T18:14:45","modified_gmt":"2014-06-24T17:14:45","slug":"killer-klowns-from-outer-space","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/?p=950","title":{"rendered":"KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>In 1988 Killer Klowns From Outer-Space cost two million dollars (about ten million dollars in today\u2019s terms \u2013 or \u00a312.58 given the current exchange rate). Martin McGrath discovers that the amount of money wasted is the both the funniest and scariest things about the film.<\/h3>\n

What are you doing behind the sofa?<\/strong>
\nI\u2019m hiding!<\/p>\n

What from? Global warming? Terrorist attacks? Michael Howard\u2019s crowd discovering you\u2019re an immigrant?<\/strong>
\nNo. It\u2019s Killer Klowns from Outer Space<\/em>.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re hiding from a third rate 80s \u201cB\u201d movie?<\/strong>
\nYes.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re not one of those sad people who think klowns are scary, are you?<\/strong>
\nDon\u2019t be daft! I confess that old people in heavy make-up freak me out a bit \u2013 especially Barbara Cartland \u2013 but even I could outrun a clown \u2013 or a klown.<\/p>\n

I doubt it tubby!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Of course I could. Those big shoes would slow them down then I\u2019d just lead them towards the nearest primary school and let the kids sort them out. They\u2019d have no chance out in the open against sixty screaming six-year-olds.<\/p>\n

So you\u2019re not scared of clowns. Why not come out from behind the sofa?<\/strong>
\nDon\u2019t want to.<\/p>\n

If it isn\u2019t the klowns, is it the acting?<\/strong>
\nNo… I mean it is <\/em>frighteningly bad \u2013 especially that bloke who was Dean Wormer in Animal House<\/em> and the mayor in Dirty Harry<\/em>. He really should know better. And the girl really stank. Oh and those two idiots playing the ice-cream selling brothers were terrible. But that\u2019s not why I\u2019m hiding.<\/p>\n

Did you know that neither of the ice-cream guys have acted since 1989?<\/strong><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t see any evidence of them doing any acting before 1989.<\/p>\n

Ba-dum-chich!<\/strong>
\nI fank yew.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m starting to get a crick in my neck trying to talk to you back there, come out, the film is nearly over.<\/strong>
\nI can\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Well if it isn\u2019t the kl\u2013 I mean clownd \u2013 and it isn\u2019t the cast, is it the script?<\/strong>
\nThe script isn\u2019t scary, it\u2019s just sad. Here\u2019s a film that snags Royal Dano, one of Hollywood\u2019s great old time character actors. He was in everything from The Red Badge of Courage<\/em> to The Right Stuff<\/em>. \u00a0He might have been a bit past his prime, but the best the idiots who made this film can do with a man of his talent was to give him a dog called Pooh Bear and the line: \u201cWell I\u2019ll be greased and fried!\u201d\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t even get a funny death!<\/p>\n

Not the klowns, cast or script… Is it the wacky spelling?<\/strong>
\nThat\u2019s just proves the producers were an annoying bunch of ku\u2013uh\u2013klots.<\/p>\n

Then what\u2019s wrong?<\/strong>
\nShame!<\/p>\n

Shame? You\u2019re not in it, are you?<\/strong>
\nNo.<\/p>\n

Tell me you didn’t write this crap.<\/strong>
\nI didn’t write this crap… it just, that, well… I liked it.<\/p>\n

What do you mean you liked it?<\/strong>
\nWhen I was younger, I saw it when it came out. I was eighteen and I thought it was funny.<\/p>\n

Oh dear, that is embarassing.<\/strong>
\nIt was the eighties. I was young. I didn\u2019t know any better. I blame Thatcher. And Tebbit. I was only following orders. Please come back! Don\u2019t leave me here alone with it. I\u2019ve confessed, please forgive me…<\/p>\n

(Originally published in Matrix<\/em> 172, Jan\/Feb 2005)<\/h5>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In 1988 Killer Klowns From Outer-Space cost two million dollars (about ten million dollars in today\u2019s terms \u2013 or \u00a312.58 given the current exchange rate). Martin McGrath discovers that the amount of money wasted is the both the funniest and scariest things about the film.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":952,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[8,10,16],"tags":[75,76,47,88],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/02\/killerklown1.jpg","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p27AP7-fk","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/950"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=950"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/950\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1722,"href":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/950\/revisions\/1722"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/952"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=950"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=950"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mmcgrath.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=950"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}